Why I choose my nickname

At the time I started this blog, I was going through a really strange experience. I felt waves of depression sometimes. I could not think straight and felt tired most of the time. My pupils were dilated like I was on drugs, even though I never started getting high or doing drugs.  I could not seem to make it go away, or get myself back to a normal state for quite sometime.  Even though I hated the way I felt, I dared not see a doctor about it.  My husband had recently lost his job, and of course in my state, I could not make much effort in the job search department.
Eventually, I returned to "normal" whatever that means, so now I am as productive as if I ever was, and I no longer feel all spaced out, constantly over tired, or continuously overwhelmed with emotion.

At the time I started getting intrested in the occult, I was tempted to claim something like being 8=3 or something about crossing the abyss, but quickly realized that people would think I was just on an ego trip, so I shut up about it.

I first got involved after I had an experience in the Roman Catholic church praying against the current. I felt a wave of joy overpower me when I did this, and It felt really intense.  I felt I did not have the information to deal with the experience, so I started to reseach Satanism on the internet.  From there I got involved with Thelema, and the whole idea of "Do what thou will shall be the whole of the law."

It came down to the realization that I had let others dictate too much of what I should be doing, and not always listening to myself, ignoring my own feelings to do the things that others said they wanted.

Sometimes I wish I would have choose a different nickname, but I could not think of anything better at the time.

I can't wrap my mind around political librals and Obamacare supporters.

Okay, this is going to sound more like a political rant rather than a post on magick, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I can't wrap my mind around this idea of spending more and more money from the government on social programs, or much of anything for that matter. I am a hardcore fiscal conservative.

I also dislike the fact that much of the "magical" community in particular the pagan community holds a lot of liberal values. They consider things like gay marriage to be more important than whether a poor person has to spend every last cent they have on "insurance" rather than things like a roof over their head and food on the table.

Actually, I was fairly fiscally liberal (and socially liberal) up until sometime when I became a teenager. I remember in elementary school, right up in sixth grade thinking the government should spend more money on social programs. By the time I got to be old enough to vote, my views had changed. I no longer felt that it was okay for the government to take money from me and my family spend it on other people.

I am somewhat indifferent on the social issues. Some pagans cite the threat of a theocracy, but in this country (the USA) we have a plurality of religions where no one religion holds the majority.  I doubt people would go for the idea of the theocratic state when most Christian religions don't even agree with each other.  Abortion is not a concern for me.  I am getting to the age where my biological clock is ticking down, so no matter the circumstances, I would welcome a baby. Furthermore, many woman have been presured to get abortions they probably did not want, or had them purely for monitary reasons. Being a monogamous married hetrosexual woman, gay marriage is not something that directly effects me.  Given the STD's out there, I can not see that having sex with multiple causal partners to be very wise.  It seems rather reckless for little to no payback. 

The Obama health care law is the worst of the pack.  Instead of merely taking our money and wasting it on government programs, we are now forced to pay corrupt companies just because we happen to be alive.  I deeply regret ever voting for him in the general election, but at the time I justified it because Mccain supported the same health care plan and on top of that wanted to draft people.  Maybe if Mccain had won the democrat majority congress would have blocked his law, maybe not.  This time around it looks like Ron Paul has a shot at the republican nomination, and maybe even the presidency.  But regardless, I am not voting for Obama again.

Now the economy is in the garbage pail and in spite of looking for work for over 3 years my husband still has not found a job. Yes, I did consider doing magick in that regard, but I have decided against it for personal reasons.  I've also done plenty of divination about work searching for myself and have gotten some pretty negative responses.  I know better than to pursue such things.  

Not doing Magick

I considered summoning a certain entity a few weeks ago, but I ended up deciding against that. Some people might say I was influenced by outside influences, and, well that is what happens when you try to summon demons and don't buy all the expensive and rare tools. I think the fact of the matter is that I just have found my motivations are not really pure in the matter. I keep trying to do magic to get something I really want, but it is not working like it should. Part of that I think is the old lust for result. I'm not getting it, because, again, I am lusting after results. (No, this is not a lust working, although it would be considered a creative act.)
But if I stop lusting after the results, I worry I will be acting in ways that are detrimental too my goals, but then how do I know that the ways I would choose to act after I get over my lust for results might be just the things I need.

Finally Started an Online Magical Diary

I've been wanting to start blogging about my magical experiences for a long time, but several ideas held me back. The first is I was worried what people would think, but deep down I realize that most people are not going to be hunting around to find out who I am anyway, because it is not worth the time.

The second reason I did not start blogging is my ego. I felt that my ideas were not valid because I was a beginner on the path and no one needs to read some newbie's idea of what wisdom is when it is obviously foolish because someone new to something does not know very much.

I do not really know what made me finally start the blog. I think it was because I went back to reading too many blogs about how bad goetia is (from people who have done it.) I thought maybe I should just get in there and state my opinion on the subject. I find when I don't write about what I think I tend to fall too much into the trap of trying to think like someone else.

One of the reasons I started on the left hand path was because I took others advice until it started to cause me serious problems in my life. The so called wisdom, of other people ended up being really stupid because other people did not know me as well as they thought they knew me.